He's baaack! This is obligatory, so let's get it out of the way: I haven't written in this damn thing for a loooong ass time. There. That's out of the way-sorry, it was traditional.
What with the internet evolving the way it has, I don't know how many obselete people out there actually still use livejournal. Likely this entry will go unread save for a very strict few that still read their friends page.
So here's what's happened since my last real entry.
I am twenty years old now. I'm in the midst of my fourth semester at SRJC, still heavy into acting and choir classes. I have an extremely hot but very dogmatic psych teacher who really irks me. I'm playing Dr. Spivey in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Opening March 7th at the JC! COMECOMECOME!). I'm dating Celeste, and she's living with me part time and going to the JC with me. And we are very much in love and just celebrated ten months together. And I'm at rehearsal after having delivered my few lines for act II and snuck off to get online.
I'll write a more detailed entry soon-I've decided I've gone too long without writing at least SOMEthing every day.
Musical Theatre: * Chicago * The Boyfriend * Cabaret * Mary Poppins * Cabaret (Yes, again) * Tony! The Blair Musical * Fiddler on the Roof * Avenue Q * The Phantom of the Opera * Bad Girls: The Musical
Nonmusical Theatre: * In Celebration * The 39 Steps * The Merchant of Venice * Lone Star * Private Wars * Saint Joan * Private Peaceful * Hamlet * Shadowlands * Macbeth
My LONDON Contact Info I am going to London on September 6th, on a Study Abroad program. I will not be home until December 7th. If you wanna keep in touch (and I would love to hear from you all SO much), you can write me a facebook or myspace message, or be a man (or woman) and do it the RIGHT way, by writing me at
Adam Buxbaum
AIFS Student Centre
Dilke house
Malet Street
London
WC1E7JN
England
...I will return every single letter I get. I'll probably write a letter just about every night, so if you don't want me to lavish all my attention onto my girlfriend and my parents, you better write!
...dammit, I couldn't resist this spam, so here it is..wow, I got carried away. If you think you're on this, you're probably wrong. Or you may be right, but misinterpreting it. Or, you may be spot-on, but understand that I say these things with love, and the reason I don't say them to you is because I care about your feelings. You're probably wrong though.: Things Need To Be Said 1) List 20-ish (whoops, 65-ish) things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2) Don't say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again.
1. Over the last few years I've grown to love you more and more, but I've also realized you aren't really more mature than I am, as I'd always assumed.
2. I used to be closer to you than anyone, but things have changed, and you live in the past a little too much.
3. You're one of the smarter people I know, but you need to understand how completely socially awkward you are.
4. I hate you, and if I could find a way to have you hurt without any consequences at all I would probably do it.
5. You're an artist, and you're wasting yourself. Take better care of your mind and body. I worry that you don't care enough about yourself.
6. I respect you more than you think-you get on my nerves constantly but you know how to make beautiful music.
7. You aren't the teacher-get over yourself, and please stop trying to jump in.
8. I don't know if you know what I've come to suspect you know, but if you do, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve it.
9. I don't know you very well, and you've always been nice to me, but you can be extremely frightening and really distasteful.
10. You annoy me, pester me, make me feel guilty, but it wouldn't be the same place without you and your unending energy.
11. I didn't know how cool you were until the second half of our friendship-be very very careful, though, because I don't want it to get you in trouble.
12. You aren't discreet enough, and you're lucky I'm trustworthy, because if you had trusted someone else they could have robbed you blind.
13. Even though it's dead and over, I still have lingering resentment at you for what you tried to do around prom.
14. I'm falling for you way too fast too.
15. You have good intentions, and you're SO AGGRAVATING! Stop trying to be funny or impress people, because it comes off as pathetic and needy.
16. I know you care more about yourself than most other people, but I wish you'd pay me back.
17. You didn't deserve her. You're a nice guy, but you never did, never will.
18. You are a tease. And I think you know it. And you'll never admit it, but you like it.
19. You are so stuck up. Even more than you ever were before. You have a fake 'nice' mask, but your ego doesn't fit under it.
20. Stop being so emo, and realize you have little to no talent.
21. You are the only person in a long time I've been completely intimidated by, but it's been good for me, so thanks. When you pay me a compliment I know you really mean it.
22. You aren't as mature as you think you are. You are just as young as I know you are. Don't try to fit into a box you aren't ready for.
23. I know your no bullshit attitude isn't to be mean, but you hurt people's feelings on a daily basis and sometimes make me feel like a worm.
24. I heard something about you and I'm not sure whether or not to believe it, and to what extent.
25. I can't tell if you're angry at me, wrapped up in your own life, or just plain lost your cell phone, but I miss you.
26. I know you, I think, as well as I know myself, you know me just as well. We're equals. Every time I start to feel better or smarter than you, you surprise me and I realize I'm not. Every time I start to think you're better or smarter than me, you surprise me and I realize you're not. When one of us is unsure the other is positive. That's why there's two of us.
27. It's nice to have you home. It must have been hell living there.
28. I wish I'd been there to see you off. I hope you'll write me back, brother.
29. I didn't know you as well as I thought I did. Still don't. You caught on to that a lot faster than I did, and I don't blame you for what you did.
30. It's too bad it was nothing while it lasted, or it really could have been something.
31. I feel like you're putting him into a really unsafe position, and I know it's not your fault, but i resent you for it all the same. And I wish you were more clever.
32. You aren't going to be elected president. You're too much of a cold fish.
33. Man you think you're the best thing since sliced bread, and all it is, is really funny. You're kind of like a sheep. You don't get social cues. But you're really fun to have around, and I'd have far less adventures if you weren't so willing to dive in headfirst.
34. You want so much to fit in I don't have the heart to tell you everyone finds you irritating.
35. You made debate more pleasant this year. I'm glad I met you, and I agree with my partner's assessment of you.
36. If you hadn't been so cute I'd have given up in confused frustration long ago. As it was, you managed to string me along for years without trying.
37. I don't like your new hairdo. I think it was prettier when you weren't trying to be insane with it.
38. I still can't tell you apart.
39. You helped him cheat on her. That wasn't cool at all.
40. Everyone knows you're gay, and we don't mind or care.
41. I don't like you one bit when you get drunk. And you aren't sexy when you stumble.
42. Personally I never thought we looked alike, but everyone else seems to think so.
43. Man, I've never trusted someone as much as I've trusted you. We lived real life together.
44. You were the awkward third wheel, and I liked the other two better.
45. Your brother is a lot cooler than you are.
46. When you came out of the closet I wasn't a bit surprised. We grew up together and I missed you this year.
47. If you aren't a virgin anymore, there's someone I need to punch, hard.
48. We used to talk on the phone for hours. I wish you'd give me a ring.
49. Okay, you're politically savve, but sometimes you're just plain offensive in how easily offended you get.
50. God you're ditzy-take two mature pills and call me in the morning
51. WUV you, and wish I could have gotten as close to you as it feels like we should have been.
52. You're a dumb stoner, and you don't know anything else.
53. Ah, what a charming asshole.
54. You were the first slutty girl I knew in high school. It's kinda funny. I thought you were cool, but everyone else didn't like you. You are pretty shallow.
55. I don't know why I'm so fascinated with you, but you pop up at the most intriguing times, and considering the two different types of people we are, I'm amazed that I've spent as much time with you as we have.
56. My relationship with you is becoming awkward. I don't know what to tell you. And I gave you credit for being more with it than I should have.
57. I had the fattest crush on you as a freshman...eventually I realized how much of a diva you are.
58. Wish I coulda seen the nude scene.
59. I used to fuck with you on AIM, but I got to like you more and more as time went on. You're actually pretty cool now.
60. Man, you were the weirdest person...I had a lot of admiration for you, but I never really knew you, or the reasons I respected you so much. When you tried to kill yourself I wanted to go visit you but I wasn't supposed to know about it, so I couldn't.
61. I wish you'd stop telling that stupid story, seeing as you're the one that asked me to get them in the first place.
62. You could sweet talk a banana from a monkey, my friend. Don't abuse the power, as you have in the past.
63. I used to rely on you. Now I hardly see you. I bet your kisses are still dyslexic.
64. We weren't as close as I thought we were. You aren't as nice as I thought you were.
65. You were the first free spirit I knew. You're probably a lot of the reason I am who I am today.
66. You used to be an emotional roller-coaster, and I don't know why I stayed friends with you after all our fights. But it turned out to be completely worth it, and I wish I saw you more often.
67. You gave yourself so much damn credit, and you didn't earn it. You can't write well. Live with it.
68. You liked me too much and it scared me off. I also took advantage of it at points, and I'm sorry.
69. All you need is some self-confidence and some life experience, and you will go far in life.
My new show! Official summary and such: A theatre production presented by the Jade Dragon Theatre Company at Santa Rosa Junior College,Newman Auditorium, 1501 Mendocino Avenue, Santa Rosa. The play touches on issues such as HIV, rape, living in the closet, parenthood, and dysfunctional family. Written and directed by 22 year-old student, Lito Briano. Showings: Sat, March 31 7:00 pm, Sun, April 1, 2:00 pm and Sat, April 7, 2:00pm & 7:00 pm $10 general $8 Students and seniors. The play revolves around Bernard O'Neill, a middle-aged American everyman livng in the peaceful Northern California town of Autumn Glen. O'Neil lives with his wife, teenage daughter, and runs a general store. Bernard, however, has a secret life. One fateful night, at a gay bar in San Francisco's Castro district, he meets an attractive young man named Mike. Enthralled by Mike's surprising maturity, he engages in a passionate love affair. When Bernard's daughter falls in love with the troubled son of his ex-wife, a conflict evolves between the families and a terrilbe tragedy befalls Mike which causes Bernard's life to take a dramatic turn and compel him to make powerful decisions that creates a domino effect and unleases dangerous secrets that affect the lives of everyone around him.
Tipsy Travesties I had six shots of peach liquor about an hour ago, and then I recorded some free-association, call-it-what you like...poetry, rambling, lyrics...anyway, here's the direct transcript, and if there are many typos, blame the alcohol. And then me. Shouldn't drink.
The Butterfly
Fly, fly, the sky's in your eyes, don't hide little butterfly, crawl out of your coccoon for you will be beautiful
and not just a measly ugly little caterpillar
that crawled in from the dump heap overflowing over there
sent by Jean Julia who would not take the trash to the mortuary
for it to be buried along with the hopes and dreams of thousand of poor starving citizens in Eastonia
and the Eastonian government will oppress them with spears and mallets and guns and knives
knifes that will cut and tear the flesh like a thousand stinging tarantulas and scorpions
scorpions that you find under the bark of logs in the natural greenery and beauty of the forest
so true and so piney
which will be influenced and illuminated by the Illuminati in the secret papers governing such ordinances thank you.
We As the Collective If one is two and two is three then can it be deduced that three is me? for I am you and you are she and she is he and he is we
we as the collective of the people of the world
we as the collective of the spirit of the universe
we as the collective must fight to preserve and protect the integrity and the honor of the illuminated fallacy which is that of logic and truth set before us
they would eliminate logic and truth
for they have no logic and no minds
but unfortunately they are not we and therefore they are inconvievable and you cannot concieve them therefore they do not exist
there is no they and there is no their
there is only a we and a our and so there is only truth
and there is only rock hard solid illuminated truth set before us that we can agree with or dispell as myth.
I have a couple more, but typing both of those without fucking up was hard work. I'll post more later.
Comment and I'll give you a letter. Then you have to list 10 things you love that begin with that letter. After, post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own.
"L" in no particular order
1. Love 2. Lemonade 3. Les Miserables 4. Little Shop of Horrors 5. Ladies 6. Luna (The moon) 7. Laughing 8. Land of Oz 9. Lunchtime 10. Lotus flowers
Corporal Bummer I'll tell you, there just might be (as anyone who read 'Melencholy Elephants' will attest) a finite number of jokes out there... I was dealt a major ego bummer the other day when my creativity was effectively squelched-or more accurately, had its nose thumbed at I was driving around stoned the other day with my friend Jessica, and we saw two or three vultures circling a chunk of roadkill. We were out in the boonies with no one else on the road, so she pulled over, fascinated, and pulled out her camera. She snapped a couple decent shots, and a lightbulb went on over my head. I reached up and switched it off and shared my revelation with Jess-an idea for a lovely pun that had sprung into my mind in the format of a Far Side style cartoon-a vulture going on an airplane carrying two dead mice and being told firmly, "I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed to bring one piece of carrion luggage aboard."
Unfair! I'll tell you, there just might be (as anyone who read 'Melencholy Elephants' will attest) a finite number of jokes out there... I was dealt a major ego bummer the other day when my creativity was effectively squelched-or more accurately, had its nose thumbed at I was driving around stoned the other day with my friend Jessica, and we saw two or three vultures circling a chunk of roadkill. We were out in the boonies with no one else on the road, so she pulled over, fascinated, and pulled out her camera. She snapped a couple decent shots, and a lightbulb went on over my head. I reached up and switched it off and shared my revelation with Jess-an idea for a lovely pun that had sprung into my mind in the format of a Far Side style cartoon-a vulture going on an airplane carrying two dead mice and being told firmly, "I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed to bring one piece of carrion luggage aboard."
My Spider visit So yesterday I skipped classes early and hopped a bus to San Francisco to see Spider Robinson in all his glory at the Booksmith on Haight Street. A little before the event I crossed the street and went to a (much better) bookstore that carried used stuff to see if I could find a couple more titles to get signed, besides my personal collection of about 9 books, plus Variable Star that I had just bought. As luck would have it, I found three books, including a worn copy of Callahan's Crosstime Saloon, which (I discovered after buying it for only $3) was already autographed, maybe decades ago, to some guy named Josh. Anyway, the event was surprisingly small-for all the honor and prestige Spider's accumulated over the years, he drew a crowd of less than thirty-no complaints here, it was very intimate- all of whom were much older than me (at 18, I was the youngest in the room)...Spider read a bit from Variable Star, and then whipped out his Lady macbeth and played us a song 'To the Stars', which he dueted with his wife Jeanne...he told a story about that-apparently David Crosby wrote him a fan letter, and through the friendship that developed, David asked if he could help in any way with VS...to which Spider responded 'well, I have these lyrics I put in the beginning which i haven't had time to put a melody to...' Long story short, he not only wrote a book with Heinlein, he wrote a song with Crosby.
I had a lovely conversation with some folks in line, including a brief meeting with zyxwvut.. when I showed Spider the pre-signed book, he signed it again, saying that he had "Signed and cosigned it, now you can go off on a tangent" So I'll be looking for a tan gent to go off on, maybe at the old beaches (or the newer ones, the sons of beaches).. I also got to fulfill my latest dream-I told Spider a pun he hadn't heard before. Goes something like this: "There once was a wicked king who decreed throughout the land that all his subjects must pay him an exorbitant tax, or they would be put to death. One of his advisors, a count, refused to pay, so the king threw him into a dungeon and demanded that he pay within seven days or he would be promptly executed on the morning of the seventh day.
Each day the king would go into the dungeon and ask "Are you ready to pay the tax?" To which the condemned count would always say, "No!" and spit in the king's direction. On the last day the count was marched to the public square where a hooded executioner forced his head onto a big black chopping block. The king asked him one more time to capitulate, but the count refused.
Finally, as the executioner swung down the hatchet, the count shouted, "Wait! I'll pay!"-but it was too late. An instant later his head rolled onto the chopping block.
( The moral of the story? ) Spider's response- the best flattery he could have given: A truly pained groan, followed by the sound of his head hitting the pile of books he had just signed for me.
I expect everyone (or at least everyone near the vicinity of Santa Rosa) to come see my play...(and we open on FRIDAY [with a free preview THURSDAY]!)
The Last Days of Judas Iscariot...it's a courtroom play in Purgatory where they retry Judas (guy who sold out Jesus)...they bring in all sorts of historical figures, like Freud and Mother Theresa...Pontius Pilate and Jesus and Satan...
it's laugh out loud funny a lot of the time, but completely moving..there are scenes that still make me cry every time I see them. There's also a lot of intense scenes, intense language...you'll walk out of the theatre pretty shaken if we do it right.
I also have a relatively large part..first I'm St. Matthew with a fat monologue, and then I play Caiphas the Elder, who Judas sold Jesus too (and I gave Jesus to the romans)...I get cross-examined and have an emotional breakdown and shout at everyone. So yeah. Good stuff. (and the following is my write-up for the JC paper)
Judas on Trial
Who was responsible for the death of Jesus of Nazareth? Was it Judas Iscariot? Pontius Pilate? Caiaphas the Elder? Professor Plum in the conservatory with the candlestick? In their first show of the year, the SRJC theatre department deals with this question and more, in Stephen Adly Guirgis’ new play, The Last Days of Judas Iscariot.
Director Laura Downing-Lee says she found the play because one of her students was passing around the script to all his friends. She sat down to read it one day in the Bear’s Den, and began to weep before getting past the monologue on the very first page. “There I was, in the middle of the Bear’s Den with tears streaming down my face,” she recalls. Ten pages in she began to laugh out loud. “If the tears didn’t get me funny looks, the laughter did,” she says. “People were looking at me like ‘who is this crazy woman?’”
Last Days is a show about Judas Iscariot - the famous villain who betrayed Jesus Christ for thirty pieces of silver and subsequently committed suicide. The show is set in a courtroom in, “Hope…located right over here in downtown purgatory. (Guirgis.)” Judas is summoned from hell in a catatonic stupor so his soul can be retried.
The appellate lawyer, played by Tessa Rissacher, is a female New Yorker named Fabiana Aziza Cunningham. She defends Judas throughout the show, advocating mercy and forgiveness for his soul, while struggling with her own personal beliefs about God.
The prosecuting attorney, played by Khalid Shatoya, is an oversexed flatterer named El-Fayoumy. He throws the show into sharp comic relief, expostulating about tapioca pudding, flirting with Cunningham, and complimenting the fashion sense of Satan, who makes an appearance as a witness.
Last Days is a scrapbook-style show, with an eclectic range of characters and witnesses. Some are historical figures, like Sigmund Freud and Mother Theresa, who both take the stand. Some are religious figures, like the apostles, Matthew, Peter and Thomas. Biblical villains are portrayed in a new light, including Caiaphas the Elder, who turned Jesus over to the Romans, Pontius Pilate who ordered Jesus’s crucifixion, and even Satan himself, who claims he loves God: “I love God because he is All-Powerful and All-Forgiving…I love God because God loves me.”
Although the play deals with historical and religious content, it is still a very contemporary play. The characters all speak with modern day street vocabularies-Saint Monica, for example, speaks with the voice of an urban hooker, sprinkling profanities liberally into her monologues. It also addresses current issues. The Arab character El Fayoumy gripes that he was sent to hell unfairly: “I attribute the mix-up to the Americanization of the afterlife-completely understandable in lieu of recent events.” Jesus Christ himself asserts, “I was in that cave with Osama, and on that plane with Mohamed Atta.”
This show has widely been labeled controversial. It is both a lampoon and a respectful homage to religion. It does contain intense scenes, including very adult language and subject matter. The play is recommended for high-school ages and up because of its graphic content.
The Last Days of Judas Iscariot opens on Friday, October 6th, with performance dates on October 6, 7, 11, 12, 13, 14*, 14, 15*. Curtain time is at 8:00 PM, except the matinees (*) which begin at 2:00. Tickets are $8-15 and can be purchased in the SRJC Box Office in Burbank Auditorium.
...um. Found this somewhere else... If there is someone on your friends list you would like to take you,strip you naked, tie you to a bed post, lick you until you scream, then fuck you until both of you are senseless and unable to fuck anymore,then wait five minutes and do it all over again, then post this exact sentence in *your* journal
10 things I learned today 1. The Doyle Scholarship will by NO MEANS be enough to cover all your class and textbook costs. 2. If you don't fill out the little orange card, they won't give you money. 3. Hergie has a free second period. 4. Don't ever run from the cops. Especially if you're just smoking a cigarette. 5. Freshmen really do get younger every year. 6. My English teacher cracked up at himself 64 times during a two hour class. I think he's cracking up. 7. The 'depressed profess' also punctuated 83 sentences at the end with 'okay?' 8. I'm now enrolled in 18.5 units 9. Don't count on the bus being on time. 10. Pack light, hope for early snow.
In my dream, I stayed up all night and watched the sun rise over a range of mountains. In reality, I was asleep on my floor. And when I woke up it was foggy.
Finally wrote a new song! Improvised the lyrics out loud walking home late at night, and I got home and worked them into a passable rhyme scheme...if you wann hear how it sounds, make me sing it for you. I love to show off.
Unshakeable Karma
When I was just an infant though that's early to start I was a chubby babe who spoke straight from the heart when I was sad I'd cry, when I was mad I'd yell Now I'm a skinny guy but still assertive as hell because I'm skating through life with some unshakeable karma and I know who I am and that is right on par and I can look far back and still see me-e-e-e cause I'm skating through life and I feel totally free.
When I grew to a toddler and I started to crawl, did I go very far or run straight to a wall no that's just not not my style, a mirror was where I sped and seven years of bad luck fell on to my head because I'm skating through life with some unshakeable karma and I didn't scratch and there was not a scar but that's to be expected when you're me-e-e-e cause I'm skating through life and i feel totally free
Good or bad, it's all your call It's luck both ways, I get it all I see a windfall then I fall I'm like a weighted lotto ball
When I passed ten I went to camp and boy was I a scamp I came back yearly, clowning nearly burned it down and met a girl who gave me chills and lovesick fever, dumped on christmas eve and I know why, because I'm skating through life with some unshakeable karma and I know where i'm at but not just where you are but I know I'll find you and you'll find me-e-e-e
cause I'm skating through life and I feel totally free The year I turned 18 I thought I'd puff some green well I tried quietly but police spotted me so I got hauled to jail and had to put up bail and get a card for me so I puff legally because I'm skating through life with some unshakeable karma and I know that someday I will be a star but stars don't have the luck like me-e-e-e but I'm skating through life and I feel totally free
Good or bad, it's all your call It's luck both ways, I get it all I see a windfall then I fall I'm like a weighted lotto ball
No matter how depressing life is how repressed the strife is I will always bounce back my whole deck is stacked the ace is in the back a smile and then a smack sunshine and hail above I get them both because I'm skating through life with some unshakeable karma and I don't drive yet but I will ride the car exactly where it goes the trouble is I don't know exactly where the car is taking me-e-e-e but I'm skating through life and I feel totally free
Jail So I got arrested last night after smoking a joint in the car with a friend- I got booked into jail and stayed there 4 hours until my friends and parents came up with $2000 to bail me out. I go to court on July 31- I face felony charges for possession of concentrated marijuana (hash) and selling marijuana (they'll never make it stick). Anyway, I've got a long month ahead of me. I think I can beat the charges though-especially since I was never mirandized. So yeah. How was your day?
Jackass of the Day Tom Green: "The victims aren't really victimized in a way that it comes off totally mean-spirited or negative, ... It's a fun, fun victimization, if that's possible."
Jackass of the Day Toni Morrison: "I really think the range of emotions and perceptions I have had access to as a black person and as a female person are greater than those of people who are neither...."
Badass of the Day Al Gore: "I think George W. Bush has a warm, engaging personality. But, you know, the presidency is more than just a popularity contest. "
Jackass of the Day John Walker Lindh: "I tell you, to be honest, every single one of us, without any exaggeration, every single one of us was 100 percent sure that we would all be... all be martyred, but you know, Allah chooses to take a person's life when he chooses."
Badass of the Day Frank Zappa: "The essence of Christianity is told to us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of Knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions."
Jackass of the Day Ted Bundy: "We serial killers are your sons, we are your husbands, we are everywhere. And there will be more of your children dead tomorrow"
Badass of the Day Immortal Technique (born Felipe Coronel): "They bombed innocent people, tryin' to murder Saddam When you gave him those chemical weapons to go to war with Iran This is the information that they hold back from Peter Jennings Cause Condoleeza Rice is just a new age Sally Hemmings"
Jackass of the Day Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld: "We do know of certain knowledge that he [Osama Bin Laden] is either in Afghanistan, or in some other country, or dead."
Jackass of the Day Michael Savage: "Don't talk about the majority of bums who live in tin huts, they shouldn't even vote...anyone who goes on welfare should lose their right to vote, they are parasites."
Badass of the Day General George Patton Jr: "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."
Jackass of the Day Will Ferrel: "James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was."